I’m Tired

I’m tired of working so hard with so little to show

I’m tired of wondering

I’m tired of running around like a chicken with my head cut off on a daily basis

I’m tired of being alone

But I’m tired of dating

I’m tired of not trusting

I’m tired of having to look as decent as I can all the time.  

I’m tired of not being able to look decent

I’m tired of working

I’m tired of always looking forward to something, yet having nothing to look forward to

I’m tired of arguing with children

I’m tired of laundry, dishes, mowing, vacuuming and all that other obligatory household bullshit

I’m tired of not being able to go on a vacation

I’m tired of wanting

I’m tired of smiling all the time

I’m tired of worrying about everyone else and what they’ll think of the decisions that I’m tired of making

I’m tired of keeping the weight of the world on my shoulders

I’m tired of worrying

I’m tired of being sick and tired of where I am at this point in my life. Like fucking really?

I’m tired of feeling like I can never let my guard down

I’m just fucking tired. And I’m tired of that.

 

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What New Music Night Means to me. 

New Music Night (NMN) happens anywhere from every month to once a year. It’s a time when one of our favorite college alternative radio DJs from the 80’s (and later NMN in the 90’s) finds a local bar and spins the tunes that were (and are) so close to our hearts. 

Looking around on the dance floor tonight, most of the 80’s scenesters were in the 45-55 range- give or take. We’re there for one reason; To go back to a carefree time in our lives, our youth, to share a common bond over our love for music and dancing. You can let yourself go and let the music take over. And not one person is judging. 

It’s a time where everyone is happy. The person dancing next to you could be an old crush from 30 years ago (Yup. Yikes!) or a newer friend you’ve made through coming to one of these many nights from near and far. Lifetime friends, New friendships and reconnections. There are teachers, nurses, business owners, stay at home parents- you name it. But it doesn’t matter. 

For a few hours on this night- we’re all the same. Kids from 1980-something sharing memories. People holding onto our youth and celebrating life. 
Tomorrow we’ll more than likely feel a bit different in our heads and knees than we did after a night of dancing (and drinking)  in our 20’s, but our hearts still feel the same and the memories cherished. 

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MY terms 

This is part confession, part realization- Yup. Here we go again. 

The relationship I’m most recently out of was one of rules. HIS rules. HIS terms. He was (IS) a Narcissist. Even though this isn’t about that, feel free to look up effects of a relationship with a Narc. I can write CHAPTERS about it, and may, but, again, this isn’t what this is about. One day I will though. (Best blog about being with a Narc I found for my healing https://ladywithatruck.com/ ) 

I feel like I’m ready to get back on the horse. Figuratively and literally. (LOL!!!) 

So- while I haven’t told some of the people closest to me- I’ve tried dating again. Key word- “TRIED”. I goff at the concept. This entry could be entitled “You’ve got to be kidding me part III”. Feel free to look at my older posts (https://lizizcookin.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/youve-got-to-be-kidding-me-part-ii/) So. Here we go- 

Attempt 1. Joe from POK. Looked like a fun guy. Tiki bars, beaches, tequilafests. Well. Pictures say 1000 words. Reality says a bazillion Right out of the gate, I knew I wasn’t ready for this, but I did it anyway. I drove up to our meeting place and as soon as I saw him leaning against his truck, I knew it was a mistake. There was, with his belly hanging over his knees and his white orthopedic shoes. I should have kept driving, but I’m not that kind of person. I parked next to him, and watched him as he hobbled, yes hobbled, into the restaurant. I already knew this was going to be a long night. As I sat across from him at our table, I listened to his tales of woe about the girlfriend he just broke up with and his 11 friends she slept with. Lord help me. I was actually looking behind him to see if I could escape out the exit if I excused myself to the bathroom. But. I’m not that kind of person. So I sat there and listened. And listened. And listened. So did everyone around us. The night could not have ended quick enough. Three, yes THREE, hours later, i feigned exhaustion and encouraged a departure. I got into my car, and as I drove down the highway, burst into tears. Part out of being disappointed with myself for not being true to the fact that I knew I wasn’t ready, part because- just NO. 

Attempt 2. Another Joe. For the first time in the history of Liz Mitchell dating- friends came with me as back up on this date and sat behind me to observe. He never knew. (That was funny in itself). He was excruciatingly handsome, professional, witty, and a true gentleman. I actually was excited about this one and we quickly saw each other again for a second date. Both dates were, dare I say, perfect. Silly me to say so. After perfect date #2 and exchanging schedules and ideas for perfect date #3, the fucker ghosted me. I was pretty upset, but glad so early on and not after I invested significant time. I searched for reasons why, but I guess it really doesn’t matter. 

Attempt 3. I’m not going to name him because we have friends in common. And, while we met on line, these friends vouched for him. “The nicest guy in the world”. “He’d give you the shirt off his back”. “Great Dad”. We talked for a while  before meeting, but finally decided to do so. For the first time in the dating history of Liz Mitchell- he stood me up. But, because of what my friend said, we were genuinely worried about him as it was so “against his character”. So I gave him another chance. And we met. It went well and our conversations were great. But-he stood me up again. And again. So- DELETE. He evidently is not the person my people think he is and that is just too bad. 

Here’s what I’ve learned. JUST NO. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m worth way more. And some day- someone will realize it. No- I’m not going to carve out just one hour of my time for you to get your rocks off (funny- that’s a Joe, too). And no- I’m not giving Mr. Stood-Me-up-THREE-times another chance. Because JUST NO 

I know what I deserve and I know what makes me happy. And THIS is what makes me happy- My kids. My time ALONE. My family. Making plans with my family and friends with ZERO distraction. And- being true to myself. And, Single Me is so much more amusing! 

So FUCK YOU to those that are searching for a bigger better deal than me. Because obviously you’re NOT the bigger better deal. But you know what? I AM. And one day- in God’s time- the right person will realize that. I may continue to date. And if I do, you may get more reading material. But for now, I stick with ME. And my people. On MY terms.  

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Peace, Pax, Shalom 

It JUST happened. I don’t know what called me here today aside from a need for peace. 

I’m taking the havoc of the past couple of months and putting it behind me. I am declaring that at this very moment. 

At this moment, I am turning my back on packing up my home of twenty years, moving somewhere new, unpacking in that new space, and the loss of a relationship. 

I needed a break from everything this weekend. I needed alone time and I just needed to BE, and I AM, without feeling guilty about it. 

I reached out to a few people to come on this journey with me and my Nikon today but all had other plans. There was a reason. I needed to come here alone. I needed the peace and tranquility that only this place could offer. I didn’t even know it. It’s a whole new thing doing something like this on my own, but I really am glad I came. Alone. Next time I come here I’m happy to bring someone along to share it. The wooded paths, the temples, the lady bug that’s crawling on me as I write, the balanced rocks and mini smiling Buddhas (and one really big one) along the way. Enjoying their simple presence helped bring me to where I just landed. 


So I am marking this very moment as my time. My time for a fresh start and a new beginning. Its been a long, tough road but I finally feel it. Peace. I thank God for this day and I couldn’t ask for anything more. 

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Home, Sweet Home

I haven’t moved around much during my life. My parents bought my childhood home just before I was born. My mom still lives there. All my childhood memories are neatly wrapped up with a bow in that house. Memories will continue to be made there for as long as my Mom keeps it. 
After Larch Drive I lived in 2 college dorms, the first marital apartment, and one cottage. In 1996 we checked out the Saratoga NY area for a potential job with the company I was with, but decide to stay local. We wanted our future children close to our families. So, we settled on staying in the big D-Block and bought “Neck o the Woods”. We moved in that November. 

Neck O The Woods 1997


This house saw a complete renovation from stem to stern, an addition, the birth of two children, a divorce, a few other bad decisions along the way, and immeasurable laughter and fun with friends and family who have gathered inside these walls. 

Neck O The Woods- present


But now it’s time. It’s time to say goodbye to the home where so many memories were created and dreams born. I’m letting go. Letting go of the past, and creating a new future. One where I will be able to better provide for my family. 

I am sad to leave this home in this quaint neighborhood on Candlewood Lake. It’s been a privilege to live here. It’s hard to go. But it’s time. While it has been our home for so long, we’re only leaving behind a house. 

We will create a new home in a different house. The people, the laughter, and all the blessings we have will still be ours wherever we go; Wherever we decide to call “Home”. It’s time. 

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A Change of Plans

Sometimes things don’t always work out like we plan.

We brought Ann to James Madison University in Harrisonburg, VA in August to begin her college career. It was EXACTLY what she thought she wanted.  It took a bit of finagling to get her there financially, and it was pretty far away from home, but she was set in her decision so we made sure to make it happen for her.

JMU

Unfortunately, right off the bat, she was quite unhappy. Yes, she got involved.  Yes, she met people and made friends. Yes, she went to her classes.  She even started to play rugby.  But, she knew pretty quickly that it was not the place for her.

Add insult to injury and she came down with mono. Sick for a month, and home for 2 weeks of that time, certainly did not help her in settling in.

That time did somewhat affect her grades, but not devastatingly so. Ann has always prided herself in being a strong student, but the odds this past semester were stacked against her.  She still ended on a pretty strong note.

She thought she’d finish the year and then reassess her plan for the start of her sophomore year. But, things being what they were, we decided it was ‘ok’ to look at options closer to home.  If she was going to be that unhappy where she was, it wasn’t worth the stress, the emotion, the expense.

It was confirmed today that she is coming home and starting as a full-time student as Western Connecticut State University. The relief upon receiving the decision was palatable.  I went there.  My sister went there.  Even my mother went there.  It’s a great school and has an amazing nursing program which she hopes to be a part of.

WCSU

Yes, it’s going to be a little inconvenient having to road-trip it to Virginia this weekend to move her back home, but then she’ll be back here, where she’s happiest. She’s always been a home body.

I told her she shouldn’t be embarrassed- it’s not falling to defeat. It takes a strong person to realize a situation that is not best for them, and to take the steps to make it better.  This kid has the world by the balls and no matter what she decides to do, and where she decides to do it- she’s going to be great. And THAT is what counts.

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