Taking MY Stand 

It’s October. Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I’ve decided it’s time to tell my story. Not the typical horror story one would hope to find during this month of Halloween, but my own horror story. My own story involving TWO kinds of abuse – one physical, one emotional. I could also talk about a third kind (me too), but I’m focusing on the domestic kind that I faced. It’s a longer piece than what I usually write, and it’s not funny, but it’s an important story that I need to tell. For me. 


CHAPTER 1

After my marriage ended, I very quickly became involved with a man that I had known for some time. He was witty, charming, and handy. He was around all the time helping me with things around the house and our friendship turned hook up turned relationship. For almost three years. I will say that during this time we did have some fun. We traveled, we’d go into NYC, we’d go to concerts, went on a cruise, and had a really fun group of friends we’d party with. (Well- it was my group, actually). Then, the more he was around, I started to notice he’d disappear. Sometimes for a night. Sometimes for three. During these periods I turned into that girl. That crazy lunatic psycho girlfriend that blew up his phone from dusk to dawn. He’d never answer. When he’d get home it was as if nothing happened. My questions were pushed off as crazy, and life would return to its normal routine. He lived nearby and spent most of his time at my house with me and my girls. I started seeing signs and knew when to expect an absence. His behavior would change and he’d go into this dark place. It consumed me with worry that he’d leave again. Then- I finally got my answer. He was a coke head and would leave to go on binges. He told me where he’d go to do it, but I know that was also a lie. I started watching his phone. I learned the number he’d call when he needed his fix. Once it was on Christmas Eve. He told me he’d stop. While it did slow down, his alcohol consumption did not. The man had so much anger and hate in him. He also held zero accountability for his actions, and I was the one who usually was made to feel bad for being the one who got angry with him. I saw an occasional fight and I could see when he’d get that fire in his eyes. I justified it (that’s what we do- we justify. We- meaning the victim) because this behavior was never towards me. Until I finally had enough. I ended the relationship. That night he showed back up at my house in a drunken rage. The fact that he was drunk does NOT make it ok. The fact that my four year old baby girl was witness to this is NOT ok. The fact he entered my home against my will and ripped every single piece of electronic equipment out of my living room was NOT ok. He approached me with clenched fists, and fire in his eyes, and said “I’m going to bash your fucking head against the fucking wall you Cunt”. I’ll never forget the words. I’ll never forget the rage. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. Pure hate. Pure evil. Thankfully he left before he actually acted upon his words -and I had an inconsolable 4 year old to handle. I went to the police later that night to report it. They went to talk to him and since there was no physical harm, and since he pulled “But my Daddy was an NYPD detective” card, nothing was done. I told you already how charming he could be. The same charm he used to get out of a DUI. The same charm he used to get out of an altercation charge. The same fucking charm he used to get back into me. It’s not over…. A few nights later he showed back up at my front door. My oldest was doing homework on the computer. My youngest was in my arms ready to be tucked in. He was drunk. He asked if he could come in and show me something that he had found on YouTube that he wanted for me to see. I replied that he could not given my current circumstances and for the fact that just for a few days earlier he had threatened me. He looked up at me with this sad puppy dog eyes and asked “are we done?”. I replied with a matter of fact “yes” and he nodded his head and walked away in defeat. It left me very unsettled. I told my oldest that if he came back to call 911. The night passed without incident. The next morning I was out walking my dog. As I was coming back down my hill approaching my home, I saw him. He came across my lawn towards me with the same clenched fists and the same fire in his eyes that I saw only days before. I stopped in my tracks. He didn’t stop. As he got closer, I yelled at him to leave. I screamed as loud as I could hoping someone would hear me. But he kept coming. He baited me to hit him, and then -he pushed me. If I wasn’t as strong as I am, I surely would have fallen backwards, I yelled more, I yelled at him to leave me alone, I yelled for him to get away from my house and my kids. Thank God my daughter (and how awful at the same time) hears the commotion and remembering what I told her the night before, she calls 911. The police came. It was evident by the marks on my body that I was touched in a way I should not have been. He was arrested with an order of protection placed against him. He was also released on a promise to appear. All that did was gave him opportunity to break said Order of Protection. I’d call the police, they’d slap him on the wrist, and he’d get away with it again. He broke that order 6 times. Once by even contacting my own mother. I still to this day do not understand why more was not done by the police force when I notified them. Only one officer in all 6 of the events took me seriously. That needs to change. I feared for my safety. I feared for my children. I was disgusted with myself for allowing the behaviors leading up to that moment, for as long as I did. For the rest of that time living in that house, looking over my shoulder to make sure he was not lurking, became an automated habit. I realized this is not how any person should ever have to feel. Unsafe in their own home. The place that should be their salvation and peace. It’s not fair. 

CHAPTER 2


I’m having a hard time putting this one into words. Maybe it was easier for Chapter 1 since so much time has passed. While it’s been over a year since Chapter 2, every now and the memories of the bad things flash back at me and I find that I’m still pretty fucking angry.  I’m angry about what he did. I’m angry at myself for allowing it for so long- even if it was “only” 18 months. I’m angry for how it’s affected me.

He made an amazing first impression. He was funny, charming, smart, good at his craft, outgoing and friendly 

He used his craft for attention. To be the center of attention. Every thing we ever did was centered around his work. If it wasn’t- he made it that way. So people would stroke him

He lied. About everything. 

He was always late. Not by minutes but by hours. He was a busy guy, you know. 

He never paid rent. Or any other bills. He only bought his man-toys 

He always had the latest and greatest gadgets -Does anyone around him realize he spends his money on that stuff instead of on his obligations?

He was evicted from his prior apartment He fed his neighbors cable to his own tv. He lost his electric. No- his refrigerator did not break.  

He hopped from girl with house to girl with house until he found one to take him in. Wasn’t I just the lucky one? 

He was – and is still- an unlicensed driver

His car was in police impound for months. For unpaid tickets. And that suspended license

He cheated. All. The. Time. 

He had women everywhere. Aside from girlfriends, he had over 200 contact numbers for backpage escorts around the country. 223 to be exact. 

He bought a plane ticket to Hawaii for one of the escorts. After he told me I couldn’t go because he’d be too busy. 

It was NEVER his fault. Even when presented with cold hard evidence 

He spun the truth 

He loved the sound of his own voice as he told all the grandiose tales of himself 

He manipulated- everyone 

He was a chameleon and fit in anywhere he went. 

He hasn’t seen his son in over 15 years

He doesn’t see his mother

He withheld sex. And then presented it like the holy fucking grail with his arms behind his head when it was gifted. He wasn’t even good at it. 

He “borrowed” money. That he never repaid. Ever. You’d be sickened if you knew how much. I know I am. 

He was never wrong 

He never took accountability 

He angered easily and went on fury rages if ever questioned 

We lost 5 pets while he was around. I do not think it’s coincidence 

A master of justification 

A master of deceit 

A master at the game 

He’d play me against my kids

He was mean to my children- but only behind my back. And expected me to back him up as the other adult. Even when he was wrong. Wrong on so many levels 

His divorce papers from 16 years earlier accused him of child abuse, failure to meet financial obligations, adultery, and mental abuse by withholding his wife from family and friends. But she was crazy.

He made me feel crazy. All his exes were crazy. I’m sure he thinks I’m crazy

He’s a master of crazy making

A master of gas-lighting  

He made me doubt all of my intuition 

He made me doubt myself 

He made me doubt what I KNEW to be truth. 

He only built himself up

He believed his own lies. 

HE IS A NARCISSIST. A SOCIOPATHIC NARCISSIST. 

People- including some prior girlfriends- tried to tell me. It took me only a few months to figure it out. But another year to get him out. It was only 18 months total but the effects are ever lasting. I pride myself that I did figure it out, and finally found the strength to get out. Don’t even ask me why I didn’t sooner. There’s no dealing with a narcissist. There’s no arguing. There’s no bargaining. Because they always have an argument back. They justify everything. They are very good at what they do. It’s survivalist instinct for them. They call it a disorder. I call it an illness. They leave scars on their victims that cannot be seen. It’s hard to put his effect on me into words. He’ll probably tell you I made it up. Imagined it. Because it sounds made up. And unbelievable. And that’s exactly how they like it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

I’m telling my story not for pity. But to let you know it can happen to anyone. People you least expect. Here I am strong and independent, funny, happy and positive, seemingly with my shit together, and it happened to me. Twice. In two different ways. Domestic violence does not discriminate and can rear its ugly head in any type of situation. Young, old, rich, poor, black, white, straight, gay. You can think whatever you want but the most important thing YOU need to take out of this is — IT IS NOT THE FAULT OF THE VICTIM. Stop asking what the victim did to deserve it. Start taking accusations seriously. And just be there as a friend. Yes- we may not get out of it as quickly as you’d like us to, but, hopefully, most of us will. In our own time. There are the few that never make it out- and that’s not their fault either. You have no idea the power the abuser holds. And it’s not fair.

As for me, I have moved on. Writing this and bringing attention to it is one of my final steps in doing so. I am thankful for the people I have behind me that helped me get through it. I am stronger for it and I’m better at recognizing the red flags I’ve previously ignored. Don’t look down on me for it, don’t question why I allowed it, and don’t think that I did anything to deserve it. I’ve reassessed my own position in relationships and have chosen to maintain only the healthiest of connections.

If you, or any of your loved ones, appear to be in a similar situation- you CAN get help: http://wcogd.org/index.php https://ncadv.org/take-action http://www.dvccct.org/

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7 First Date Faux Pas

Unfortunately, I am becoming a professional on this topic. God knows I’m gaining enough experience. Unfortunately the first dates aren’t turning into second dates and I’ve made a few observances why in the process. Guys- pay attention. You too, Ladies, as we pull these blunders as well


1. The Plan – If there is someone you’d like to meet – make a plan to do so! Instead of continual texting, calling, snapchatting, whatever – shit or get off the pot! If you don’t, someone else will and you might miss out on someone pretty awesome. No- “Why don’t we just hang at my house?” or “How about a hotel?” are not acceptable first dates. Show some incentive and have a plan formulated with date, time and a public place to meet. Make it a place convenient for your date which shows her that you are putting some thought into keeping her in a familiar location close to where she lives. She will appreciate you making the effort of coming to her turf.

2. The Place – Typically, a first date is not the time for a romantic dinner at a five-star restaurant. As if finding the perfect first date outfit isn’t hard enough, you’ve now added the pressure of “OMG now I need to buy a new DRESS?!!?”. Additionally, the money spent on a dinner like this is similar to a small car payment. Do you really want to spend that much on someone who may not make it to date two? Instead – keep it simple – a cup of coffee, a hike, or even a cocktail. I’d like to add, however, if you are meeting for drinks in the 6-8 pm time frame expect to order at least appetizers. You don’t want her to go home hungry and during that window she WILL expect something to eat. I’ve met up with two different men during dinner time who pushed away the menu and didn’t even offer a snack. I didn’t pursue either one of them.

3. The Look – Now that you’ve made the plan and the meeting is set up – put some effort into it. Put your best foot forward and please don’t show up with 5 o’clock shadow, droopy drawers and a dirty shirt. If you want to impress her, take off the baseball cap, and break out a button down and put on some nicer shoes. Obviously there are different rules if you’re going for a hike, but still make an attempt to look nice as it goes a long way with the ladies. Take a shower. Smell good. And look good. Chances are she’s spent hours and probably made 15 face time calls with her BFF’s and 3 to her sister to make sure she looks her best.


4. The Phone – Keep. The. Phone. Away. The ONLY exception to this rule is if you have your children with a sitter or someone who may need to reach you in an emergency. And explain it. If you absolutely MUST have your phone out – whatever you do – do NOT put it face down. That tells your date only one thing – It tells your date that you are worried about what other potential texts or dating site notifications will come across your screen while you are sitting across from her. She needs to know that she is your focus and you are paying attention to only her during this time.

5. The Conversation – Whatever you do, the last place your conversation should go is to the ex’s. Everyone has a past, especially as we get older, and our ex’s are our ex’s for a reason. She does not want to hear how your ex-girlfriend banged 11 of your closest friends right under your own roof. (Yes I sat through that conversation) She does not want to hear how all of your ex girlfriend’s are crazy psychos and all of your break-ups are because of what she did. Because guess what – that’s a red flag on you. You have a role in your past relationships, too. And that’s why they need to stay there. In the past. There are other taboo conversations involving politics, religion, etc – unless of course you’ve met under that commonality.


6. The Bill. This is the most awkward moment in a first date (aside from walking in and introducing yourselves of course). The bill comes – what do you do? Well – frankly , Mister – be a gentleman and take care of it. There should be no exceptions to this. You should also deny any request from her to help or cover the tip. She’s normally only asking to A. See how you’ll react and B. To show you she’s not afraid pull her weight. Which she will – in time. Chivalry is not dead and you will leave a favorable impression by picking up the tab. Can’t afford to pay the bill? Well then you just shouldn’t be dating.


7. The Final Faux Pas – discounting anyone who may pull one of the aforementioned faux pas. We are all human. We are not perfect. Why do you think it’s so difficult to find someone worth the first date? If your date went fairly well, and he seems like a nice guy who happened to have one little slip up – ask yourself just how bad that slip was. Yes – we all have boundaries and we should keep them in line with our standards. We shouldn’t settle, nor should they. But a mistake is a mistake and maybe worth reviewing the positives during the date rather than focusing on one little error. Sometimes an entire game is won on an error!

There have also been times I’ve been on that “perfect” first date and it still doesn’t get to date two. But all you can do is stay positive, put my own best foot forward and know that someday…..

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5 Types of Men You Meet on Dating Sites

After my last entry “5 Reasons Why Women Don’t Respond to Your Dating Profile” https://lizizcookin.wordpress.com/2017/05/24/5-reasons-why-women-dont-respond-to-your-dating-profile/ received so many positive responses and requests to review profiles, I decided to keep it going. In online dating, I’ve come cross so many different kinds of men, but in thinking about it, they kind of all fit into 5 types. I’m sure any man active in the dating world – past or present – can come back to me with the 5 types of women, and I would welcome that response. Maybe you gentleman can read these and see where you fit. If you’re serious minded about dating, figure out what you can do to set yourself aside from these dudes and make yourself stand out! Here we go…

1 -Captain Hook – The guy in it just for the hook up – I’m starting with this one because they, unfortunately, represent the majority of the online male dating population. Once you recognize them, they are fairly easy to spot. (Most times). They use key phrases like “Lets start as friends and see where it goes” “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” “Open minded” “Willing to try anything” “Risk Taking” “Recently divorced and seeing what’s out there” “Works Hard, Plays Harder” “Just Dating”. These are the same guys that post pictures of themselves shirtless in the mirror, working out in the gym and have very basic profile descriptions. They don’t have much to say for the simple reason they really are not looking to talk. If you entertain the thought of talking to him, (Correction: seeing what happens with him), the instant he has your number he’ll by asking you for pictures. He’s not asking for a selfie, Sisters. He’ll then start asking your favorite positions, telling you what he wants to do to you, and offering up dick pics. Do they really think they are so original? Plenty of women are happy to feed into it – so Mr. I Just Want to Fuck You is encouraged and keep at it as long as they can keep you going. The only one that can end this vicious cycle is you. Even if it is fun for a minute.


2 – The Jig is Up -The guy who is nothing like he presents himself to be. I’m not talking personality here, but physical and character attributes. You have great conversation leading up to meeting. But then, he shows up on your date and the minute you lay eyes on him you have that “what the fuck” moment. He looks twice the age and three times the weight he did in his pictures. He did nothing to present himself well on this first date and shows up in raggy clothes, old sneakers, and casts doubt on whether he even showered. Most times, he wants to split the bill. Yes, women do this too. But what’s the point? Their lives are usually a mess with ex issues and they’re heavily into debt and/or legal issues. They’re pretty angry people.


3 – The Friend Zone – You meet. You have a blast. You have so much to talk about and so much in common. There just isn’t romantic chemistry. But you really like him. And he likes you. Just not “like that”. These guys are great – keep them around. They’re still fun to call up to grab a beer, a show, or a Pepe’s pizza. Just dammit on the lack of intimacy –because this guy is perfect in every other way. I am fortunate to have one or two of them myself!


4 – The Dingleberry – AKA Clingon – AKA Zero to 60 in 2.2 – This guy falls in love with you the second you start talking. At first it’s endearing in a way that you can’t believe someone finally likes you so much. BUT THEN – (there’s always a “BUT”!) the moment you meet, he wants you to meet his friends and to spend every moment with you. If he’s not with you, he’s in overly constant contact and expects you to call during every moment you have a break. Just like fucking Santa Claus, He knows when you wake up, and knows when you are sleeping, and expects a call surrounding those moments. He is obviously let down when you have plans that don’t include him. So, he starts planning family dinners, vacations and when you will move in together. By date 3. When you end it – his world crashes. It’s ok. He’ll fall in love with the next girl, too. Next week.


5 – Ashley Madison – the Married/Involved guy – Yup. Them too. They’re on there. A LOT They come in different shades of “separated” and “practically divorced”. Yea – you’re also practically married and still live together. I had one guy actually tell me I couldn’t call him unless he was at work because his WIFE (who he was of course in the process of divorcing) may see my name on his phone and will get really mad. Really, dude? Then you shouldn’t be talking to me. It’s not fair to her, and not fair to me. How about the guy who told me he’d put his wife on the phone so I could get her permission? Or the one that after three months of pretty serious dating, tells me he was only looking for a playmate to share with his wife. (And he even was including his daughter in some of our times together). Let the sheets cool off, boys. And, NO.


I know that’s five, but I cannot leave out this last guy. He’s the one you fall hardest for, and the one that’s most difficult to shake, and the one for whom you put everything (everyone) else aside. Foolishly.

5A – Mr. I’m Not Ready – He makes it very clear, but treats you like a girlfriend in every aspect of the word without actually calling you “girlfriend”. Ever. This is confusing because his words and actions don’t really jive. He’s kind of like one of the hook up guys but makes you feel like there’s something there – he gives you HOPE. He’s engaging, and interested in what you have to say. Like with Friend Zone, you like each other a lot. You have a blast. Hours pass like minutes. But, it feels like more than a Friend Zone, and you have so much more than you do with Captain Hook. They leave us with the feeling of “Oh, he’ll come around” and “he’ll be different with me”. However, all this really is – is a Friend with Benefits. He’ll keep you around, because he does like you, and the sex is good, but his door is always open for what he may consider the “bigger better deal”. Even if he makes you feel like his one and only. 


There are many other types, including the Ghost Writer that won’t come out from behind his computer, Empty Promises who keeps saying he’ll plan to see you, but doesn’t, and Mr. Persistent who keeps trying no matter how many ways you say no and The Primadonna (if you’re so fabulous, sir, why are you on a dating site?). I’ve come across them all and will probably come across others.  It’s a vicious cycle and an endless quest. 

The entire process leaves me with one queston – WHERE have all the good guys gone? If you figure it out, let me know! 

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5 Reasons Why Women Don’t Respond to Your Dating Profile

I follow this guy on Facebook. He posts some pretty interesting articles about dating and single life. Considering he’s never been married and currently single, I’m not really quite sure where his expertise comes from, but he can be an interesting read. 

He recently posted an article about 5 reasons why men don’t respond to a woman’s dating profile. And there it was. Reason 5 – you are overweight. I will quote- “if you are overweight, most guys will not want to talk to you or meet you…Losing weight should be the very first and most important thing you do improve your dating life”. My response to this?? FUCK YOU BILLY.  
http://billycaputo.com/5-reasons-guys-dont-respond-to-your-dating-profile-billy-caputo/
I’ve been in and out of the dating world for the past 9 years since my divorce. I can tell you for certain it’s no party. But I can also give you PLENTY of assurance that I, and my curvy girl comrades, receive PLENTY of attention. And if we’ve chosen you- YOU are the lucky one. 


So, I decided to come back to Billy with my own 5 reasons why women don’t respond to a man’s dating profile. So here goes: 

Reason 1: You use stock profile wording suggestions- Please show us some creativity in your profile. Show us that meeting someone is important enough to you that you’ve put some time and thought into what you want to tell us about you. Tell a story and set yourself aside from the crowd. 

Reason 2: Bad photos. I’m not speaking of how attractive someone is as the female species is not as particular here as men are. We weigh our interest based on your photos ALONG WITH what your profile says. There are sub divisions in this category: 2a- We cannot tell which one is you. Either every photo is with your buddies, family, or worse yet – other women. 2b. The active guy where every photo is of you with sea or snow spray covering your face. Overly active and adventurous shots says one thing to the female- bullshit. 2c. All that’s posted is one photo that looks like an accidental selfie. You know- the kind where you turn on your camera app and it’s accidentally facing you from under your chin and the picture comes out looking like an unkempt Shrek. Tell me you haven’t ever done this- by accident. No one looks good like this. And this photo usually includes no smile, scruffy facial hair, and baseball hat. 2d. The guy who posts half naked gym/mirror/bathroom/water shots to make sure we can see just how buff he is. BLECH. Stick my finger down My throat. We creatures like to leave some things to imagination. And finally 2e. Guys- I guarantee you have AT LEAST one of the following shots- a car selfie, bathroom mirror selfie, and any type of shirtless selfie, Even if it’s a beach shot; Out of focus shots and pictures that are 10 years old. 

We want to see YOU- the guy we have the potential of meeting. We want to be able to recognize which one of you is the guy sitting at the bar waiting for us. 

Reason 3 – You make yourself out to be too rich and fabulous. Most mature women, frankly, do not give a shit what your income is. As long as you are as at least as self reliant as we are, pull your weight, and contribute to society with a good work ethic- it doesn’t matter if you make $50k or $200k. Extensive travel goes along with this too. You’re traveling the world, skiing the alps, commandeering yachts- most of this spells bullshit. 

Reason 4- You have too many requirements for what your match “must” be. Fella- take a good look in the mirror. Are you really so fabulous and flawless that your match must also be? Once he starts explaining how she must have long hair, a fitness instructor’s body, and must only eat lettuce- we scroll past. Yes- everyone has a type- but if you’re that narrow in you requirements- you could be missing out on someone really awesome that would have otherwise messaged you. 

Reason 5 – The number “69” is anywhere in your user name. Boys- are we in high school here? I don’t feel that this needs further explanation. Leave the 69’s in your phone passcodes and internet passwords. (GASP!! How does she know!?) 

Gentleman- if you are on dating sites and truly hoping to meet someone of substance- show us you. We all know you like the beach, hiking, romance and that you’re a great kisser(says you), honest and loyal. Write about something that makes you – well you. It can be hard to do, but if you’re serious about it you’ll figure it out. Have a friend take some nice pictures of you. Without your kids and your dog. These simple things will help you to stand out from the hundreds of others all vying for our attention. Intrigue us. Make us want more. Bring it. 

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I’m Tired

I’m tired of working so hard with so little to show

I’m tired of wondering

I’m tired of running around like a chicken with my head cut off on a daily basis

I’m tired of being alone

But I’m tired of dating

I’m tired of not trusting

I’m tired of having to look as decent as I can all the time.  

I’m tired of not being able to look decent

I’m tired of working

I’m tired of always looking forward to something, yet having nothing to look forward to

I’m tired of arguing with children

I’m tired of laundry, dishes, mowing, vacuuming and all that other obligatory household bullshit

I’m tired of not being able to go on a vacation

I’m tired of wanting

I’m tired of smiling all the time

I’m tired of worrying about everyone else and what they’ll think of the decisions that I’m tired of making

I’m tired of keeping the weight of the world on my shoulders

I’m tired of worrying

I’m tired of being sick and tired of where I am at this point in my life. Like fucking really?

I’m tired of feeling like I can never let my guard down

I’m just fucking tired. And I’m tired of that.

 

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What New Music Night Means to me. 

New Music Night (NMN) happens anywhere from every month to once a year. It’s a time when one of our favorite college alternative radio DJs from the 80’s (and later NMN in the 90’s) finds a local bar and spins the tunes that were (and are) so close to our hearts. 

Looking around on the dance floor tonight, most of the 80’s scenesters were in the 45-55 range- give or take. We’re there for one reason; To go back to a carefree time in our lives, our youth, to share a common bond over our love for music and dancing. You can let yourself go and let the music take over. And not one person is judging. 

It’s a time where everyone is happy. The person dancing next to you could be an old crush from 30 years ago (Yup. Yikes!) or a newer friend you’ve made through coming to one of these many nights from near and far. Lifetime friends, New friendships and reconnections. There are teachers, nurses, business owners, stay at home parents- you name it. But it doesn’t matter. 

For a few hours on this night- we’re all the same. Kids from 1980-something sharing memories. People holding onto our youth and celebrating life. 
Tomorrow we’ll more than likely feel a bit different in our heads and knees than we did after a night of dancing (and drinking)  in our 20’s, but our hearts still feel the same and the memories cherished. 

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MY terms 

This is part confession, part realization- Yup. Here we go again. 

The relationship I’m most recently out of was one of rules. HIS rules. HIS terms. He was (IS) a Narcissist. Even though this isn’t about that, feel free to look up effects of a relationship with a Narc. I can write CHAPTERS about it, and may, but, again, this isn’t what this is about. One day I will though. (Best blog about being with a Narc I found for my healing https://ladywithatruck.com/ ) 

I feel like I’m ready to get back on the horse. Figuratively and literally. (LOL!!!) 

So- while I haven’t told some of the people closest to me- I’ve tried dating again. Key word- “TRIED”. I goff at the concept. This entry could be entitled “You’ve got to be kidding me part III”. Feel free to look at my older posts (https://lizizcookin.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/youve-got-to-be-kidding-me-part-ii/) So. Here we go- 

Attempt 1. Joe from POK. Looked like a fun guy. Tiki bars, beaches, tequilafests. Well. Pictures say 1000 words. Reality says a bazillion Right out of the gate, I knew I wasn’t ready for this, but I did it anyway. I drove up to our meeting place and as soon as I saw him leaning against his truck, I knew it was a mistake. There was, with his belly hanging over his knees and his white orthopedic shoes. I should have kept driving, but I’m not that kind of person. I parked next to him, and watched him as he hobbled, yes hobbled, into the restaurant. I already knew this was going to be a long night. As I sat across from him at our table, I listened to his tales of woe about the girlfriend he just broke up with and his 11 friends she slept with. Lord help me. I was actually looking behind him to see if I could escape out the exit if I excused myself to the bathroom. But. I’m not that kind of person. So I sat there and listened. And listened. And listened. So did everyone around us. The night could not have ended quick enough. Three, yes THREE, hours later, i feigned exhaustion and encouraged a departure. I got into my car, and as I drove down the highway, burst into tears. Part out of being disappointed with myself for not being true to the fact that I knew I wasn’t ready, part because- just NO. 

Attempt 2. Another Joe. For the first time in the history of Liz Mitchell dating- friends came with me as back up on this date and sat behind me to observe. He never knew. (That was funny in itself). He was excruciatingly handsome, professional, witty, and a true gentleman. I actually was excited about this one and we quickly saw each other again for a second date. Both dates were, dare I say, perfect. Silly me to say so. After perfect date #2 and exchanging schedules and ideas for perfect date #3, the fucker ghosted me. I was pretty upset, but glad so early on and not after I invested significant time. I searched for reasons why, but I guess it really doesn’t matter. 

Attempt 3. I’m not going to name him because we have friends in common. And, while we met on line, these friends vouched for him. “The nicest guy in the world”. “He’d give you the shirt off his back”. “Great Dad”. We talked for a while  before meeting, but finally decided to do so. For the first time in the dating history of Liz Mitchell- he stood me up. But, because of what my friend said, we were genuinely worried about him as it was so “against his character”. So I gave him another chance. And we met. It went well and our conversations were great. But-he stood me up again. And again. So- DELETE. He evidently is not the person my people think he is and that is just too bad. 

Here’s what I’ve learned. JUST NO. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m worth way more. And some day- someone will realize it. No- I’m not going to carve out just one hour of my time for you to get your rocks off (funny- that’s a Joe, too). And no- I’m not giving Mr. Stood-Me-up-THREE-times another chance. Because JUST NO 

I know what I deserve and I know what makes me happy. And THIS is what makes me happy- My kids. My time ALONE. My family. Making plans with my family and friends with ZERO distraction. And- being true to myself. And, Single Me is so much more amusing! 

So FUCK YOU to those that are searching for a bigger better deal than me. Because obviously you’re NOT the bigger better deal. But you know what? I AM. And one day- in God’s time- the right person will realize that. I may continue to date. And if I do, you may get more reading material. But for now, I stick with ME. And my people. On MY terms.  

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